oops…

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A friend actually pointed out I had the wrong date in my post about my appointment. Its this Thursday, January 9th at 10 am. 

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Next step….3 month check up…a month late

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So I have been procrastinating and have actually postponed my doctor’s appointment twice already. Why? Fear….no if and or but’s about it…plain old unadulterated FEAR. But Vicky, you were so sure about your recovery? you were so confident? NOPE….NOT ME. I have zero confidence in me….my confidence lies only in the Lord. I am confident He knows what is best for me and He knows my future. I KNOW NOTHING!! And when I think about it too much it scares me. God knew that having cancer was best for me–I didn’t. God knew that stretching my faith to the limit was best for me–I didn’t. God knew that taking away any confidence I had in myself was best for me–I didn’t. So right now, I still don’t know what is best for me but God does and I don’t know what that will look like….and in my fleshy flesherton, that is scary. 

Now this doesn’t mean I don’t trust God…no-sir-ree-bob!! I TRUST GOD with all my heart, soul, mind, strength!! I trust Him with every cell in this fleshy flesherton body….but sometimes I am weak…sometimes I forget….sometimes I try to think on my own (dumb!). Those are times I succumb to the fear. (Like right now). But I know that perfect love casts out fear and if I sit for awhile and remember “oh how He loves us” fear turns to peace. Simple as that. So when I say I have fear don’t worry about me…just give me a minute. 

My appointment is on Thursday, January 6th. Pray for me that day and all the days leading up to it that I will remember the perfect plan God has for me and not fear.

HOPE IS ALIVE!! {and so am I}

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I have changed the name and look of my blog. This is reflective in a few ways…..

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My physical look has changed…..I am now the proud owner of a full head of thick, curly hair!! At this point right now it looks a bit like an afro but I get many compliments on it….I think some people are just thankful I have hair! I kinda walked around with my bald head not really thinking much of it. I never really saw myself as looking odd at the time (God’s blinders?) but when I look back I must have shocked many people with my baldness and my boldness about my baldness. 

I changed the name because this new name is the name God gave me for my journey. I have been praying about what He wants me to do with all the information he has given me and this title came to me one night. I don’t yet know what the ultimate purpose for it is, but for right now it is a new title for this blog.

My life has also changed in many ways…I am on the other side of cancer, which is a strange place to be. Life has gone on, and continues to go on, around me but I am completely different. I am a me that I do not recognize. I try to go on “life as usual” but it is really hard. I don’t understand why everyone else isn’t as different as me. My priorities are different, my outlook is different, my mind works different….and I don’t think anyone understands… and I don’t like to talk about it because I feel like everyone is over me having cancer and chemo, but me. I am not over it yet. It goes with me everywhere I go and affects everything I do, everything I say, everything I think. And I don’t know if I want to get over it. I am a survivor (as of right now) and want to shout it from the rooftops!! I live when I shouldn’t and I want everyone who sees me, meets me, speaks to me, to know it. God spared me!!! and I want everyone around me to act like it!!

The way I spend my time has changed….on purpose. Something else God spoke to me clearly is “time is short”. I thought, at first, that He was just referring to my time with my kids (before they are all on their own) but I think he meant “time” in general. I think I am planning for a future that is not certain. Now some may say, “do you think you are going to die soon?” and my answer would be yes.  Now don’t be shocked….doesn’t God’s word tell us to live this way? There’s even a famous song “Live like you were dying” isn’t there? So its not an odd concept. For me, it is just a little more reality than for others….and I believe God did this so I would genuinely do it and not procrastinate and say “well, I am comfortable how things are now, I’ll live like I am dying later.” My biggest problem with this is how frustrated I get with those around me who don’t live like this. Namely my husband and my children. They waste so much time!! and it causes me then to waste so much time with them!! I think they see my not being sick anymore as “CRISIS: Averted”…they see it as a part of our past….I see it as part of our present, future, forever!! Sorry, that’s a little dramatic….but shouldn’t it be?

Now here is where I fall into a bit of trouble….I compare…alot. I compare my husband, I compare my children, I compare my family to other families that I wish mine was more like…there I said it. Horrible and wrong as that is I DO IT!!  Why do I do it? Seriously, why do I do it? I LOVE my family. I LOVE my husband just the way he is, I LOVE my children just the way they are (most of the time), I LOVE MY LIFE!! We fit each other and I need to stop trying to fit us into a mold that isn’t us. I NEED TO STOP TRYING TO FIT US INTO A MOLD THAT ISN’T US!! Maybe saying it twice will make it stick. We are not outdoorsy–no long hikes or walks or bike rides for us (unless it is at a mall), we are not activity driven–our days are not spent going from place to place or needing to be doing something all the time….one or two planned activities a week is probably the max for us. We love watching movies together and laughing at the movie or at each other or just sitting around the table talking (which in ‘SANTANALAND’ means throwing jabs at one another, mimicking one another, laughing at each other)….We are a family of sarcastic, lazy, homebodies….GET USED TO IT!! (that is more directed at me than at anyone who is reading this, so please don’t be offended!! I love anyone who reads this!) 

So you see, alot has changed. But what hasn’t changed is that HOPE IS ALIVE!! {and so am I!}

 

The Day after Christmas

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So it is the day after Christmas. The inevitable buyers remorse, the coulda-shoulda-woulda’s dance in my head. After every holiday it is the same. I feel like I let everyone down and didn’t do enough…then I waste so much time feeling like this that I miss all the moments that I should have treasured! Ahhhh…when will I learn? It is always upon reflection that I realize my mistakes. Now I know that the enemy wants to rob my joy and that some of this is his doing but I truly want to walk in the Spirit of the Lord all day every day! I don’t want there to be a moment I don’t. But it is so hard. I read my bible and the Lord shows me such wonderful things and then I walk away and BAM!! it’s gone. I have been told that people are encouraged by how transparent I am. Well people, I am going to be transparent and let you know I am struggling. Maybe it is just the holiday aftermath, maybe it is just me having a pity party, but I am struggling to have joy in my life right now. Now this time last year I was getting ready to have my first chemo treatment tomorrow. But I will tell you it was a time when I had so much joy it didn’t matter. I was surrounded by friends and family constantly supporting me and loving me and encouraging me. But now I feel alone. It is almost as if I was happier when I thought I had cancer. Because you see I didn’t have cancer. The cancer was gone, taken out, removed by the hand of God during my surgery. I believe this with everything I am. I know that God cured me. He healed me. He loves me. Thank you Lord for loving me so much that you saved me. Now I just want to live my life in a way that is pleasing to you. How? How do I do that? I want to be your hands and feet and loving words to your people. I want to be your witness to my family. I want them to know about how beautiful you are. How? I feel trapped somehow. I feel like I am trapped in my own body. I feel trapped in my own restrictions upon my life. I put restrictions on what I can do, on where I can go, on who I am with. Why? I believe I have conditioned myself to restrict who I am because of my family. I put away doing things I want because of them. Like last night…I wanted to go see a movie but they didn’t want to see what I wanted to see so we did nothing. Why? restrictions! I don’t want to live with restrictions on my life. I feel like I hold back so much. I feel cut off from people that I love and want to spend time with. I feel hurt. I feel…I feel….i feel….I don’t want to feel….I want to do, I want to live, I l want to love. I want to live with abandon!! I want God to be all I need. How? when I figure it out, I’ll let you know. 

Damn Cancer!!

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This morning a dear friend shared on Facebook that her cousin had lost her fight to cancer. She had been terminal (what an awful word!!) so it was expected but OH MY GOSH how do you deal with that!! I immediately went to her page and although she didn’t have a lot of posts she did have a lot of pictures. Pictures of her with people who love her and who are in mourning right now over losing her. There are children that will now have to live the rest of their lives without their mother. A husband who will have to continue their family without her. I can’t even imagine what that will be like! The praise is that she knew Jesus! So we know what she is doing right now!! She is dancing with the angels CANCER FREE!! She is in a beautiful new body that is free of the corruption of this world! But I know that our praises for her then turn to thoughts of the family and loved ones that are left behind. Today I bet many of them are wishing she had taken them with her. Many of them may be longing for one more moment with her. The world’s light will be a little dimmer without her here. I weep for her children. The loss of a mother can be devastating in a child’s life no matter the age. I pray they hold on tight to the promise of Jesus that they will see her again. That the loss will not make them bitter, blaming God. I pray for her husband who has lost his love. How helpless it must feel to be at someones side as they are dying. So I pray he holds on to the promise Jesus has and that he rejoices for his wife who is suffering no more. 

What good can come of death? This is a question I believe we ask ourselves in times like this when someone who was a beautiful person inside and out dies. We question why her? why now? Why her and not me? Why did you choose to save my life but not save hers? The answer to these questions can’t be answered on this side of heaven. But what can be asked and answered is how do we live our lives today to pay tribute to those who are no longer here? We still have the gift of life…we still have the gift of waking and breathing this morning….we still have the priveledge and honor to be able to affect someones life today! My friends cousin would have loved to have today to be able to tell her children she loved them again…to tell her husband how much she loved him…to look into the eyes of her friends and family and laugh again…but she can’t. So I will live this day for her! I will tell my children I love them…I will tell my husband how much he blesses my life….I will not let today go by without giving thanks for having today.

Her name was Traci…and on her Facebook as part of her name she had the words “LIVE LOVE SERVE”……for Traci, that is exactly what I intend to do today.